THE ROOT OF YOUR FEAR OF INTIMACY

The act of intimacy refers to creating a special bond with another individual such that your true self is shared in depth. However, quite often we stumble upon people who leave our hearts utterly shattered to the point of rescinded hopes. These heartbreaking experiences aid us in developing a false perception of love and a disbelief that such a love that is deeply rooted in passion and unconditional even exists. We spend so much time in this belief system that when we finally experience the deepest level of intimacy in a connection we fear it greatly. 

Why is Intimacy Important?

As relationships progress so does intimacy. Intimacy brings couples closer. It builds trust, understanding, and increases affection for each other. The lack of it in relationships usually spells a means to an end. 

Why Do You Fear Intimacy?

While intimacy is important in relationships, it also makes both parties in an intimate relationship feel extremely vulnerable. Sadly, not all relationships last and sometimes the end can be messy leaving one party or both scarred and traumatized. Victims of heartbreak, abuse, rape among others from past romantic encounters are likely to avoid intimacy. They usually dread the idea of connecting with another person personally or falling in love because they dwell on the possible negative outcomes. Also, people who saw their parents endure toxic relationships tend to fear intimacy because they don't want a repeat of what they saw when they were younger.

The fear of sharing too much of one's self with another person might make them feel too vulnerable as the thought of another person knowing all of their secrets creates negative thoughts about the person possibly using it against them in the future. Having said all these, the root of your fear of intimacy stems from either trauma suffered from previous relationships, or childhood experiences and is a sure indication of letting your past dictate your present and ultimately your future.

Do You Fear Intimacy? 

The fear of intimacy is an avoidance of sharing a close physical or emotional bond with another. This fear elicits a form of repelling to others even when there is a desire for closeness. As mentioned, this fear of intimacy is primarily present in people who suffer from past sexual trauma, or heartbreaking experiences from past romantic encounters. It can also be seen in individuals who experienced a form of childhood emotional neglect or abuse. It can be seen as a fear of vulnerability, where an individual decides to hide their true self from the world or their partners.

This fear of intimacy can also be linked to the fear of abandonment, fear of being controlled and can also be seen in relation to anxiety disorder. People who have a fear of intimacy refuse to be comfortable in their vulnerability, as their vulnerability has been proven to expose them to physical and/or emotional pain. This is why when one fears intimacy they will usually fear vulnerability as well. They see vulnerability as weakness rather than strength, but this simply isn’t true. 

• Difficulties With Physical Contact: Individuals who fear intimacy may avoid physical contact or need too much of it.
  
  
• Serial Dating and Fear of Commitment: Individuals who have a fear of intimacy usually engage in short term relationships. They could be seen as serial daters and may not want to develop long term committed relationships with people.
  
  
• Difficulty in Expressing Needs: People who feel that they are not worthy of the support or love of other people may not truly express what they want to their romantic partners.
  
  
• Lack of Trust: Distrust can develop from the lack of expression in relationships. You may not trust them enough to make crucial decisions with or for you. You may also often doubt or question their loyalty and intentions. People who have a fear of intimacy often see the people that come into their lives as having hidden agendas. 
  
  
• Relationship Sabotaging: Individuals who fear intimacy can be very critical of their relationships and of themselves. They often accuse their partners of being disloyal or untrustworthy and dwell in the theory of “ too good to be true”. They are often suspicious due to low self esteem and the feelings of unworthiness they carry internally.
  
  
• Need for Perfectionism: People with a fear of intimacy often strive for perfectionism due to their subconscious feelings of unworthiness. They often need validation from their romantic partners so they attempt to frequently impress, or constantly feel as if they have to prove their own worth to themselves. However, the fear pushes them farther than draws them nearer.
  
  
• Avoidance of Communication or Poor Communication: Those who fear intimacy usually avoid discussing essential topics in their relationships that will require some form of vulnerability. They avoid discussing their feelings and emotions and any topic that may be the slightest related to commitment or the development of a deeper connection.

How to Overcome the Fear of Intimacy

Consider these steps in overcoming fears of intimacy

• Accept uncertainty in every relationship
• Be comfortable with yourself and express self-compassion
• Analyze your past to determine the cause
• Cast away negative self-judgements and value yourself
• Visualize your goals
• Communicate openly and honestly with your partner
• Be patient with yourself 
• Don’t put your guard up, boundary up 

Way Forward

Being in love and in a healthy relationship is a good thing and is the product of dwelling in intimacy, and being able to share a part of you with someone that understands is one of the best parts. You have to overcome your fear of intimacy to enjoy the dividends of it. It’s not our vulnerability that allows us to be subjected to the disdain of others or low quality experiences. It’s merely our low standards due to lack of self love and our inability to set proper boundaries. The first hurdle in overcoming fear of intimacy is the overcoming fear of vulnerability. Once you recognize that vulnerability is actually a crucial part in relationship building and that you are safe and protected so long as you set proper and healthy boundaries in place, you’ll quickly overcome this fear of intimacy. Remember that high standards will keep you from low quality experiences. Don’t fear intimacy, fear missing out on a chance of a lifetime; a chance to experience a requited and unremarkable love.