THE SETTLER

Relationships come in a variety of shapes and sizes. One of you might think the other is more attractive physically, or perhaps your partner has a higher level of emotional endurance. Maybe you have a lot of life direction, and your partner benefits more from it than you do from theirs. One partner is generally referred to as the ‘settler’ while the other is referred to as the 'reacher,' in dating and relationships. But a settler doesn’t only settle for less when it comes to choosing romantic partners or relationships. This settlers mentality is applied in all aspects of their lives and is responsible for their choice in career and living environment. 

The settler is the "better half" in a successful, seemingly stable relationship who, in essence, settles with their partner. This settler mentality usually stems from subconscious feelings of unworthiness. The settler is usually more attractive, financially astute, intelligent, charming, or has some other characteristic that makes their partner appear inferior, to the point where people begin to wonder why they are dating in the first place. The reacher, on the other hand, seeks a mate who is 'out of their league' and makes them the happiest, even if they don't think they deserve it.

When you choose to believe that you are "the settler" in your relationship, you will receive feedback from your environment that will reinforce this idea, according to the cognitive bias of selective attention. To explain your sentiments of superiority, you will start to criticize or unintentionally belittle your partner's actions. Do you ever find yourself over criticizing your partner because you believe they could be better? Then you just might be a settler. 

Over criticizing inevitably breaks up relationships. When people spend the majority of their time expecting their counterparts to live up to their expectations, they create an environment filled with resentment, and without realizing it, their criticism becomes more chastising or belittling rather than constructive. This makes the "reachers" feel inept, and can lead to bouts of depression in both the settler and the “reacher” because their emotional needs aren’t being met. It brings them both closer to the relationship dump.

Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't match where you're at spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and/or physically is neither good for you or your partner. You'll start to dislike them, and they'll feel as if they are walking on eggshells around you. Taking great care not to disrupt the delicate dynamic between you two, fearing that you would likely abandon them. This is nothing but a fast track to disaster, so be with someone who will challenge you to become the best version of yourself.