DON’T GUARD UP! BOUNDARY UP!

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are the healthy limits we set that indicate what we will or will not accept regarding other people’s behavior toward us. Setting boundaries helps us establish our relationship standards and is an autonomy for self-love as it enforces our self-worth. Personal boundaries are the rules and limits we set for ourselves to uphold our self-respect and protect ourselves from harsh treatment and overall low-quality experiences. We know when to say “No” to others, and we are comfortable opening ourselves up to people in relationships to build deep emotionally intimate bonds. 

Feeling guilty about setting healthy boundaries or not having any at all is a sign of self-neglect and a severe indication that you may not only be a people pleaser but you lack self-love. There’s nothing wrong with setting healthy boundaries and it’s encouraged. Healthy relationships require an established set of healthy boundaries. It's a crucial aspect of our mental and emotional well-being. However, setting healthy boundaries and having your guard up are two extremely different things entirely.

The Difference Between Putting Up Your Guard And Setting Boundaries 

So often people who guard up ruin their chances of receiving true unconditional love because they simply can’t let go of the perception they’ve formed from past heartbreak, or most commonly, negative childhood experiences resulting from emotional childhood neglect.   People who guard up have completely closed themselves off to receiving love; the same love that they so desolately seek and desire.  They subconsciously shut people out by way of a lack of transparency or other series of self-sabotaging behaviors due to their underlying fears of vulnerability, unworthiness, and fear of failure. They go into every new situation with fears of history repeating itself and subconsciously maneuver in ways that hinder the progression of genuine connections they have with the right people. 

Those who guard up tend to fall into cycles of habitual isolation, or worse, they consistently run into the arms or remain in the company of the wrong people who aren’t beneficial to their spiritual, financial, mental, or emotional growth.  When we experience heartbreak we develop a subconscious defense mechanism that leaves us guarded, unwilling to open ourselves up to new love and experiences with the people who are truly God-sent due to those same underlying fears of vulnerability, unworthiness, and fears of failure. The people who truly matter are left feeling rejected or neglected when we really should be creating space for them to enter into our lives and flourish in the depths of our hearts. 

Naïvity is defined as being untrusting of others after those past experiences left us feeling betrayed and wounded. So often we lose trust in others and most importantly trust in ourselves and our decision-making due to the mistakes we’ve made, but to be wise is to be open and willing. To be wise is to continue to put full trust in ourselves and to be open to trusting and receiving others without bias or prejudgment based on false perceptions we’ve formed from those past experiences where we’ve made those mistakes. To be wise is to be open to love, forgiveness, overstanding, and compassion. To be wise is to use intuition, not just simply logic to make wise decisions, not to form conclusions or make accusations. 

If intuitively we sense that something isn’t right we can address it maturely with open positive communication rather than make speculations and make a sound decision whether or not we want to move forward in those relationships; romantic or platonic, or move forward with peace of mind and our self-love intact. This is why setting boundaries is so important because it’s a way for us to protect ourselves from people who may have negative hidden agendas. We can still love openly, give freely, and love unconditionally, without exposing ourselves to the center of caprice, disappointed hopes, and disregarded feelings. We choose what we subject ourselves to by the boundaries we set that reinforce those relationship standards. There is a difference between setting healthy boundaries and imposing stipulations in a relationship. Stipulations are built on a foundation of conditional love. This isn't pure love. This is an imitation of it. Here are some examples of healthy boundaries we can set that protect us from low-quality experiences.

Here are some examples of healthy standards that others may be required to meet before moving forward in a committed relationship; 

• Exhibits positive and open communication built on mutual respect, trust, and honesty.
• Exhibition of emotional maturity, fidelity, transparency, and authentic expressions of self. 
• Exercises emotional intelligence and makes reciprocated efforts. 
• Exhibits financial, emotional, and mental stability and is spiritually inclined. 

Here are some examples of healthy boundaries we can set that protect us from low-quality experiences; 



• Respect the need for personal space and don’t undermine my right of self-authority by allowing alone time to indulge in personal interests without exercising your need for control or restraint due to underlying feelings of jealousy fueled by unmanaged insecurities. 
• Respect my opinions and support my decision-making as I am my own body of work and can adequately function independently outside of this relationship as well as I can function interdependently inside of it. 
• I will not co-exist in a relationship built on a foundation of lies and false promises with the intent to utilize manipulation to make the relationship more beneficial or suitable to your needs whilst invalidating mine. 
• I will not conform to the self-image you’ve fabricated of me in your mind. I will live in my authenticity not your imaginative constructed version of who I am. 
• I will not co-exist in a relationship where fidelity, spirituality, mutual respect, love, compassion, and overstanding are absent. 

Over time, as we go through the rejections and heartbreaks we allow ourselves to develop false perceptions about people based on these damaging experiences. These false perceptions are what build the wall that keeps us from growing into all the beautiful gifts that God has given us.  These walls are what pose as barriers between us and our ability to form deeper emotional bonds with those we share deep soul connections. In the process of choosing to see everyone the same, we end up writing off the ones who are perfectly imperfect for us.

We’ll only end up being the person that no one can recognize or understand because we aren't operating in our authenticity, only allowing people to see and know what we want them to, whilst allowing so much potential to go untapped and leaving so many talents concealed. Yes, we always want to protect our hearts, but if we want to be genuinely open to receiving true unconditional love, we have to heal, we have to let love in.