THE EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE

Emotionally unavailable people show no or very mild affection and the latter happens on a rare basis. Displays of affection are something the emotionally unavailable typically avoid. These individuals have no idea on how to use physical touch, word of affirmations, and often have a deep fear of intimacy. and they often try to avoid showing affection.

Since happy and healthy relationships, both romantic and platonic, are based on openness, mutual respect, honesty, and trust, it can be very difficult to understand and deal with people who are emotionally unavailable. While you might think emotionally unavailable people are purposely hurting you, their actions are truly unintentional and they actually also tend to hurt themselves by acts of self-sabotage. Most of the time it’s the underlying feelings of unworthiness and shame that cause them to self-sabotage connections that seem “too good to be true”. “When people put you down so much you start to believe it and somehow the bad things are so much easier to believe”. They develop this subconscious belief system that the love they’ve always prayed and longed for is unattainable. 

Check out these signs to know if you're emotionally unavailable or dealing with someone who may be emotionally unavailable: 

• People who are emotionally unavailable will do a lot of things to question your relationship with them. They tend to put you through a series of emotionally immature “tests” as a way to gauge how you feel about them rather than actually asking in an attempt to avoid that openness out of fear of rejection. They may even do this to test your loyalty to them. 

• People who are emotionally unavailable often don’t put equal effort into the relationship. For a relationship to work, both parties have to put the same amount of optimal effort into it. An emotionally unavailable person will find this difficult to do.

• Feeling overwhelmed or smothered by emotional intimacy is most common when people who are emotionally unavailable are shown lots of love and affection. They often masquerade as being self-sufficient and independent and act as if they are being suffocated or don’t need intimacy as a form of gratification.

• They are perfection seekers. The emotionally unavailable are not easy to impress because they always look for something negative to hold onto in order to justify their reasons for being non committal. These individuals seek perfection in imperfect humans just to use your flaws as justification for not getting serious with you or ending the relationship.

So why are people emotionally unavailable? 

Of course, no one is born cold hearted or without feelings and the desire for connectedness. Neither was it taught. People who are emotionally unavailable often grow up in homes where emotions aren’t shared or expressed, homes where there is emotional childhood neglect. The fear of history repeating itself often exists from past failed relationships. The wounding from past relationships or encounters can create trauma in relation to fear of abandonment or rejection, feelings of unworthiness or shame. 

So how do you deal with an emotionally unavailable person? 

Acknowledge that their behavior is a result of past traumatic experiences. It’s important to exercise patience, remain kind, loving and nurturing whilst still providing the right amount of distance between you two. You are allowed to protect your energy and constantly offering love and support without reciprocation will become emotionally draining. You want to make sure you respect their space and boundaries as well as your own. This is not something you can help fix. Be supportive and allow them to fix this on their own through a series of self healing. 

If you’ve discovered that you are emotionally unavailable then this may be the right time for you to embark on your journey of self healing. Most healing is done when you allow yourself to be alone and sit with yourself and your thoughts in silence. Journaling, meditations and if you can afford it, talking to a therapist are great healing methods. Wishing you much love on your self healing journey. Namaste.