THE ENABLER

The Enabler, defined as one who assists another person in self-destructive habits or behavioral patterns, attempts to reduce the effect of such destructive habits by providing help in different areas of their life. The Enabler is often an “avoider” and one who supports an individual in ways that allows them to easily continue their toxic behavioral patterns.

Enablers usually base their decision to aid on their “love” for the person. However, most people have a misconception of love. Love does not aid destruction but rather dismantles it. These acts implicated in the false notion of love have far more devastating and damaging effects on the individual. The individual may feel a form of acceptance causing them to not seek external help to let go of toxic behavior. This completely eradicates healthy decision making and delays the initiation of positive lifestyle changes for the person whose behavior or addiction is being enabled. 

These enabling acts can exist in lending money to an addicted person to prevent the individual from stealing or going about other ways to procure the funds. Despite the lies an addicted person may tell, we know very well that money lent will be used to purchase substances that they abuse. Enabling comes in many forms, some in which results in growth deprivation. Some parents become so enabling that their children develop a heavy codependent relationship and come into adulthood without knowing how to adequately function independently. They hide challenges by often taking them on as their own and provide an easier means to get through life’s situations. 

Here are the characteristics of an Enabler. 

• Providing Repetitive Financial Assistance: Enablers often provide repetitive financial assistance. Constantly providing funds in times of hardship isn’t known to build a good work ethic. In fact, it also affects that person’s ability to manage money effectively. I mean, why learn to save or manage funds appropriately if there will always be someone there to fix my mistakes right? Interestingly enough this also may result in mental incapacity. 
  
  
• Denial and Avoidance: You are an enabler if you prevent talking about certain behaviours of your loved ones. You tend to avoid confronting the issue and addressing it openly as a problem that needs immediate attention to prevent a bad reaction. Avoiding the issue prevents a proper discussion about it and handling it healthily. You enable bad behaviours when you tolerate or ignore destructive habits. Denying the fact of the problem encourages the individual to continue in their habits and can create future challenges that are even more strenuous to handle. 

Note that the Enabler is critical in the recovery process of the habit. The Enabler helps trigger the problem and acts as a support system for individuals performing these self-destructive acts which is contradictory in itself. Without the enabler providing "safer'' options, the allowance will never cease. Recognizing that there is a problem and addressing it is the first step to reprimanding the behaviour. Additionally, setting consequences for action and not following through is a form of encouragement for the act.

So how do you stop being an enabler?

• Uphold consequences

• Refuse demands that endanger them

• Pay attention to the issue and seek help

• Keep harmful substances away from them

Don’t be an enabler. The consequences can be detrimental to not only the person but to yourself as well because if you truly love them you’d want nothing more Than the best possible life for them. It’s important to remember that as parents our job is to guide our children in the right direction and lend our emotional support and wisdom during challenging times. Enabling only leaves room for codependency to thrive and diminishes their self independence. Remember that our life’s situations are what builds character and are learning experiences that keep us constantly growing and evolving at the soul level. Be a supporter and an uplifter but never an enabler.