LISTENING TO RESPOND RATHER THAN TO UNDERSTAND

When we think of characteristics of strong relationships, “great listener” is one of the first skills that come to mind. Arguably, one of the most common reasons relationships fail is the inability of each party to listen actively and authentically. No, not just the nodding with short verbal prompts that virtually anyone can do. Listening is one of the foremost important elements of communication. Too often, we’re just focused on ourselves and what we want to contribute, but the simplest relationships aren’t focused inward. Instead, they’re focused on their partner’s needs and concerns and listening is often the first step.

HOW TO LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND 

Like any other skill, listening skills can be improved with intentional effort. One can be more engaged and ultimately create the right atmosphere to nurture a better understanding of the concerns being expressed. Here are a few points to consider.

• AVOID MULTITASKING: It is very frustrating talking to someone who is fiddling with their phones or preoccupied with another activity. If you’re unable to completely focus on someone, it’s often better to be honest about that and suggest an alternate time when you can offer your full undivided attention and tap into the love language of quality time. 
  
  
• EMBRACE SILENCE: Instead of interrupting with questions and solutions, silence offers the time and space to process aloud. Allowing for silence prompts the one that is leading the conversation to continue their thoughts uninterrupted. Silence also shows our empathy because we respect the speaker enough to be confident in their own thought process.
   
• GATHER FEEDBACK FROM OTHERS: It’s also helpful to get an assessment of how your listening is perceived by others. Avoid asking people who might be tempted to assess you more positively. Most importantly, don’t respond defensively to the feedback or attempt to explain yourself.
  
  
• ASK CLARIFYING QUESTIONS: An effective way to truly become involved in what someone else is saying is by asking clarifying questions about their comments. Yes, it sends a signal that you’re invested in their concerns, but more importantly it mentally engages you more deeply into their issues, challenges etc.

It’s imperative that listening does not come off as shallow and disengaged because it sends the other party the clear message that their concerns aren't important to you. Clinical psychologist Dr. Leon Seltzer explained how the ability to express to others that we “get them” is key to building strong healthy relationships. Most importantly you need to be dedicated to making this positive change.