SHAME: THE TRAUMA BEHIND THIS NEGATIVE EMOTION AND HOW TO HEAL

Shame is a negative emotion that involves the feeling that you’re flawed or unworthy. People often find it difficult to accept that they always feel ashamed so they often hide the things that they feel ashamed of. The feelings of shame typically occur when an individual looks inward with a critical eye and judges themselves for their past actions; things they really have little to no control over. This feeling is triggered by past childhood trauma. When your parents, teachers, or even classmates criticized you, they planted the seed of shame within you.

Why is feeling shame a big deal?

The feelings of shame center on your identity as an individual, and this feeling impacts the way you see yourself. If people keep saying bad things about your personality or intelligence, you will most likely start to internalize them. This response is normal, but it doesn't make it okay, or less harmful. The result is not feeling ashamed for a moment and learning from your actions, but you carry an idea of your worthlessness forward. The feeling becomes a part of you. It damages your self-image and becomes a part of your self-talk, especially when you're still in the stages of still figuring yourself out.

Shame allows a perpetual negative view of yourself. If you start to believe that you’re evil, unlovable, dumb, worthless, or any number of other negative and false things, you may struggle to do anything to change this false perception of self and find yourself in a consistent inner battle in order to see your own self-worth.

How does shame differ from guilt? 

Most people struggle to decipher shame from guilt. Although they may seem similar, they are quite contrasting. While guilt means that you sense that you have done a bad thing or something against your moral code, shame makes you feel that who you are as a person is not right. However, it is possible to feel both shame and guilt, and this is either simultaneously or in sequence.

Can you heal from shame?

Even though it sounds difficult, you can heal from shame. You need to understand what triggered your shame. How did it start? Are you still with someone who you allow to shame you? These are some of the questions we must ask ourselves if we want to understand where the shame originated from so that we can rid ourselves from it for good. 

When you have asked yourself these questions, the next step is to show yourself compassion. Accept that you are human and every human has aspects of ourselves embedded in imperfections. 

Be curious about actions that you don't like instead of criticizing yourself. Find out why you did what you did. Observe your actions and gather more information. Don't criticize yourself, but simply make a change in a new positive direction.

Also, forgiveness of self for your past actions is a must. Stand against shame by refuting the shame you place on yourself and others. Stand up for yourself by challenging others when they attempt to shame you. Another way to heal from shame is to act in ways that show that you are worthy. Treat yourself with respect. Treat others with respect and be good to yourself, always.